Imperfectly Perfect – Part II

I’m imperfect.

Like everyone else, I’m wired to sometimes struggle and be difficult, but this doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of some things.

Throughout my life there have been some serious moments where I’ve had to take a step back and reflect. I look back and think to myself…why the hell did I do that? Why did I say that? What the F was I thinking? WHY?

Regret is a form of punishment in itself.

Regrets…even though I preach a life of ‘no regrets’, I still find myself coming to terms with some decisions I may have made or things I may have said.

But life is too short…and we do have to take risks…how are we ever supposed to know otherwise?

To me, playing it safe all the time is boring. Sometimes I just need to do things to discover what is and what isn’t.

The thing is, the word regret has a permanence about it, and I think that’s the thing I hate most about the concept. Hindsight…sometimes I wish I just had a rewind button on life…wouldn’t that be great? If that were the case, I’d probably take myself back to my university days…they were the fun stress-free years after all. But alas, I can’t put my life into reverse nor can I fast-forward, and I certainly can’t push pause when everything’s going my way and I want the world to stand still.

Regretting all the time used to be one of my major flaws…now I’m of the opinion to shrug my shoulders and get on with life. Who gives a shit!?

Although this is not where my personal foibles cease.

Unfortunately, I allow my emotions to make my decisions for me a lot of the times…this is one of my greatest weaknesses. This is one thing I’m really trying to change about myself…of course there are other parts of myself I’d change as well…

If I started listing them all, I probably could go on for a while…perhaps I wouldn’t even know when to stop. I bet, if you know me personally, you’d also be able to add to the list.

I’m emotional. I cry easily. I allow things to get to me when they shouldn’t. I tend to take things personally. I can also be overly reactionary. I’m incredibly impulsive at times…

But here’s the thing…I’m NOT my behaviour. My behaviour does not define who I am.

When I’m out of line or not acting as I should, I know (most of the time anyway). But despite this, I do beat myself up over trivial things…(I guess that’s another weakness to add to the list as well).

Sometimes when these less favourable traits begin to show, I cringe. I almost feel ashamed and embarrassed of who I am and how I’m acting. However, at the same time, in not learning how to accept, let go, and not regret, I also realise that I’m failing myself, and clearly I have some more self-discovery work to tackle.

Life is one continuous journey of self-discovery and learning.

The irony of me writing about my journey of self-discovery and mindful living is immense at times. For example, I’ve overreacted to situations, possibly hurting people in the process…in a way, I was just looking out for me, which I’ve always said is one of my priorities, however at the same time, I’ve shown insensitivity to others…how is this being mindful?

I’ve also been advocating my new obsessions with the gym and healthy eating, but what I didn’t say was that I’ve also caved in and succumbed to the occasional piece of cake from the coffee shop next door over the last month.

Sometimes I wonder if I should even f*%£en be writing about such things…really, who am I to write about mindfulness when I don’t really have a clue about it myself sometimes?

Oh, and if you haven’t noticed by now, I also swear way too much (another list addition).

In the past, I used to feed off this. I’d often indulge myself. I’d fuel those emotions to ensure they were at their peak even though they were negative. And, admittedly, I’d often catch myself thinking, why even bother? It’s not going to work out the way I want it to anyway.

Luckily for me I’ve long snapped out of that toxic mindset. Yes, those weaknesses of mine are still very present, but the ‘self-pity’ mindset is not going to get me anywhere. I always, no matter how hard it is at times, manage to rise to the surface.

If I allowed myself to sink, it’d be a struggle to get out, because once you’re stuck in such a place, crawling back out can be challenge. This is why I’ll never let myself fall…

I guess it’s all about recognition. Recognising when you’re about to get sucked under can ultimately save you from going down.

I’m working on changing who I am, not me as a person, because I’m pretty happy with most of me, but some of my actions, those negative traits.

Go ahead and judge me. Do it! I dare you. But just remember to be perfect for the rest of your life.

I hate it when people judge me. It’s the one thing that can hurt me the most. A person can screw me over a few times, and I’ll let it all bounce back off me like I don’t give a damn, but judging me, now that’s a whole different story.

I know I sometimes judge, and I certainly used to be worse than I am now. However, when I find myself beginning to judge another person, I try to consciously stop myself, because at the end of the day, I’ve never walked in anyone else’s shoes but my own.

I’ve also recognised that my previous judgments probably stemmed from my own feelings of inadequacy…those insecurities that often appear during your weakest moments.

But not judging yourself, now there’s something more challenging. I need to remind myself that I can change my behaviour and the way I act, and instead of labeling myself with some demeaning terms and filling myself with shame, I need to show a bit more compassion to myself.

Well, it all sounds great in theory, but how easy is it?

Happiness can live only in acceptance.

I’m never going to be perfect. Maybe others won’t accept this about me, but at least I can help myself through my own recognition and acceptance.

Acceptance…it’s an everyday word and an extremely easy concept to grasp, but at the same time it’s a difficult one to actually put into practice.

‘Love’ and ‘forgiveness’ are two other words many lifestyle blogs and gurus suggest you practice to help yourself overcome your own short-comings, but I have to admit that I find embracing and accepting far easier, because if I’m going to be totally honest here, there are just some people who I have great difficulty loving and/or forgiving…but I’m almost certain, we all have some of those people in our lives. Instead I just deal with it, accept what has been done or said and move on…

Reality sucks sometimes. It can be painful and it can be far from ideal, but this comes with the territory, this is life…I can’t expect every single day to be filled with sweet smelling flowers – those rose-tinted glasses were taken off a long time ago!

Wake up. This is life. Get back to reality!

So, the whole point of this blog post is really to share the one thing I’ve learnt, and that is that I have to accept and embrace all those glorious imperfections of mine to make way for change.

Forget your past. Forgive yourself, and begin again, right now!

Maybe I can’t forgive some people from my past and sometimes I might even forgive way too easily. But forget that – the person, who I should really be focusing on forgiving however, is myself. So first comes acceptance and then the big F word (forgiveness that is).

Again, this is a thing I struggle with. I’m sure many people are just like me.

I need to forgive my weaknesses, my sometimes imperfect behaviour, my failure to live up to my exceedingly high expectations, and also for not being that person others sometimes expect me to be.

If you’re going through hell, keep going – Winston Churchill

Life can be incredibly shit sometimes. I often find myself screaming “Why me again?”

Heartbreak, trauma, failure, losses…we all suffer from them, and no one’s perfect in any way – there’s no such thing as a flawless personality…we’re all less than stellar and everyone has their own baggage.

My theory’s this: if I can accept who I am, forgive, and let go, I’ll be able to move on…

The ultimate goal is to love yourself in a way you’ve never loved before. Not in an egotistical way (that’s one trait I despise in others…and I swear to God, I’ll never be that person), but in a way that you give yourself the respect and care you deserve.

My other theory’s connected to the above: give yourself 100% self-love and compassion and you’ll soon discover that those ignoble personality traits diminish.

I’m not going to say that once this journey’s over, I’ll be rid of all my negative traits. I’m still going to be incredibly emotional at times for example, but I’ve also been told this can be endearing, so I’ll embrace that aspect of it.

Even though I won’t be able to completely banish these weaknesses from my life completely, I may find it easier to indulge in them less.

Love, even if it’s only self-love, brings about happiness and laughter – it is this that will ultimately help me accept my flaws and allow myself to remain perfectly imperfect without feeling guilty about it.

Learning how to love and embrace all those little things in life is when you’ll finally learn the ultimate art of being truly content

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s