I used to have the ‘perfect boyfriend list’.
It had some good stuff, but looking back, it was also full of superficial crap.
The list was very long, and when I say long, I mean long. Seriously, what was I thinking? There’s not one person in the world who falls into all of those categories- they’d have to be superhuman!
Why have I chosen to write about this today?
A good friend of mine has been trying to set me up, albeit thanks to my reluctance, she’s failing miserably. She’s desperate for me to find a guy. I’m not sure where this new obsession has come from, but apparently, she’s made it her number one mission to find me a boyfriend. I guess she’s probably sick and tired of hearing about all those stories that she refers to as ‘dead-end’.
I wince at the thought of it. I’m also slightly concerned about which woeful man she’s going to pull out of her bag of tricks.
I could just cringe and tell her to get a life (I tried, it didn’t work). I can find my own boyfriend (I think). But I’m past arguing about it. I’ll let her get on with it and just continue to politely decline any ‘guileful invitations’. It’s weird, she’s more interested in my dating life than I am. I’m of the mindset if it happens it happens, and there’s a time and a place for everything…
So what’s my point?
A conversation we had a few days back got me thinking. She asked me about my ‘type‘. It was probably her way of narrowing down that healthy pool of single male friends she fervently keeps telling me about to find that ‘perfect’ guy who’ll check all my boxes (if you know what I’m saying).
To be honest, whenever she broaches the subject, I roll my eyes, like seriously?
“Do you not want someone?”
“Um, yeah! Of course I do!”
“So, why not?”
This conversation has now become our (or should I say her) daily ritual. It goes back and forth like a game of tennis.
“Vics, what’s your type?”
“Type? I haven’t had a type since I left University!”
“Well there must be something you’re attracted to like…”
“Like dark features?”
“Yeah! Like that!”
Another roll of the eyes…
“I don’t have a type. As long as we complement each other and get on, that’s good enough for me!”
“Why are you settling for just good enough?”
“Who said I’m settling…agh, you know what, let’s change the subject!”
Seriously, I can’t win! By trying to bring an end to the conversation, I unwittingly open up a whole new can of worms, and a new debate ensues – it’s almost turned into a bit of a game.
But it’s true. I really don’t believe in ‘types’, not any longer (almost as much as I don’t believe in being set up and going on blind dates…we’re not in the 90’s).
It’s not because I’m being indifferent to dating, or men for that matter. I have a different reasoning. I simply don’t think categorising preferences, beliefs and perceptions in relationships is the way to go, it’s certainly not healthy!
Firstly, I’m not superficial.
And secondly, I truly believe that every single relationship requires ongoing effort from both sides, and at the risk of sounding corny – it’s like a plant that needs constant watering.
When I was younger, I searched for the qualities of my former ‘type’. It was a little blurred and admittedly I got things around the wrong way. I was searching for things I thought would make me happy, not the things I required to make me happy – there’s a huge difference! It’s only taken me 17+ years or so to figure it out, but now I have a real understanding of my true requirements. I definitely have more clarity, and I’m going to trust this to guide me.
I’m a firm believer in ‘Like attracts like’. I never used to believe this, but a recent turn of events has made me reconsider. What I search for is real individual depth not superficial qualities, and surely if I’m an advocator of the Laws of Attraction, I’d be opening myself up to criticism should I date someone based on a perfunctory list – in other words, if I’m looking for superficial qualities, the person I attract is most likely doing the same – they’re going to be judging me based on their requirements…and I certainly don’t want to be judged!
I also think having a ‘type’ is very limiting. I could actually be missing out on something beautiful by restricting myself so much.
This is going to sound so cliche and my friend’s going to be having words with me tomorrow once she reads this update (sorry J), but I’m all for the mental stimulation and challenge – I require someone who gets me and vice versa. So, I guess in a funny roundabout way, I do have a ‘type’, it just doesn’t fall into that circumscribing box that most people have.
Like I’ve said time and time again, I’m looking out for me (I owe myself this) . Only I can be the judge of what I feel; and what I feel about everything, including a person, takes precedence.
What I’m trying to say, through my own life lessons is that relationships evolve over time. A relationship requires constant nurturing and effort. As the relationship evolves, you and your partner should grow together (or am I totally delusional?)
So, to be totally controversial…I’m saying ‘F’ types.
I even told my friend this. She was taken aback. But you know what, I’m going to meet whoever it is who piques my interest and rouses my curiosity. I might not even be able to tell you what I like about this person exactly, sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint. But what I’m not going to do is sit there with a mental list checking off each quality as it emerges or doesn’t emerge.
Instead of trying to build the perfect partner through a list (he’s not a kit set), I’m going to remain open…
I’m going to stop over-analysing and stop over-thinking of how a person should fit into my life – I can’t predict the future and I certainly can’t base any future relationship on a type – it’s not fair, to me or my future partner.